There is a reason why many of us choose not to air our obsessions or sexual fantasies with others, and that is shame. We have convinced ourselves that our private and secret thoughts are unholy and unnatural, so we keep them stored away in a cool dark place, well away from our friends and even our partners. These restrictions are reinforced by our own society, as in some cultures our desires may be seen as perfectly ‘normal’. We may feel more comfortable sharing watered down versions of our desires with people close to us but often the raw and unedited versions lie under lock and key. These desires can seem alien to us as we may have no idea how our ‘perversions’ came about. Our fantasies origins come from our childhood, and not in the form they show themselves now, but in the form of a basic need that may or may not have been fulfilled, so a splitting of the self occurs and a fantasy or obsession is created.
Recently I was with my friends and their 2 year old child. When his parents gave each other a hug, the child responded by showing clear signs of being distraught, and said “Mummy no hug Daddy.” If we liken these basic needs and feelings of a child to small seeds that are planted when they are young, they can grow from feelings of jealousy and rage into sexual desires in adult life. However the fantasy plant does not grow straight but weaves and bends its way downwards, while simultaneously being fertilised by other experiences, with our parents or from other relationships. So later on as adults we may be left with a personal desire that seems strange and unfamiliar to us.
Freud and other psychoanalysts have spoken and written about this in great detail but what I wanted to reflect on is what we can do if we find our fantasies or desires uncomfortable or destroying. Often if we find these uncomfortable they may become obsessional in their nature, and we tend to push them down even further, and by paradox, it energises them and makes them more powerful. By condemning your desires you repress them and they carry on growing inside of you in the basement of your being, deep in your unconscious, while part of you is prejudiced against them. So a war has been created inside of you and an enemy has more power when it is hidden. This is your obsession your desire, it is part of you and your history, it says something about your past, so pay attention to it without judgement. It is neither good or bad, so do not identify with it. Go deeply into it with self care and love, as the more you understand it the less it will feel unfamiliar to you, and the less it will force itself upon you.