Genuine Transformation

By Will

Two months ago I had my last session of psychotherapy. After 5 years of regular analysis there was a deep reluctance to let go and to move on. We had been through so much together. The last few sessions were both awkward and anxiety producing but an ever growing part of me was becoming aware of my desire to embrace my own personal inner calling. Although I had discovered so much about myself during analysis, I needed to emancipate myself from this mental duality with my therapist and work alone.

Going it alone reminded me of an experience I had when I was 12 years old. I was hiking on the moors with a boy scout group on a survival exercise. We were reaching the stage where a few of us would eventually have to depart from the leaders, and the rest of the pack, and camp on our own for 2 days and nights. I was both anxious and excited at the same time. As soon as we waved goodbye to the pack and went our own way, my eyes seemed to widen and I took on this new type of energy, I knew that I was solely responsible for myself and the other boys, and each step that I took after departing was mindful and steady as I realised that I had no-one to fall back on. I had a similar feeling after leaving analysis.

It is only you who can create awareness in yourself. A master, teacher or psychotherapist can help you to initiate the change you are seeking, but for genuine transformation, you must walk your own path. To start with we have to have enough of a ‘self’ to ‘help’, so initially walking our own path can be aided by a teacher of some kind. After therapy, I began to practice yoga and meditation once again. Almost every morning I would wake up and begin my practice without fail. I realised that my ego and my continuous self-talk, as well as a tendency to live in the past or future, were a evasive force and I needed to counter that peace breaker with something opposite, present and real. This daily practice also included mindfulness in many small ways. Many times during the day I would bring myself back to my breathing and the present moment. I knew that this was all I had to do and the future would work itself out. A new faith emerged from my practice and when I meditated I invited the dark thoughts and fears in to ask them what it is that I could do to to help.

An example of this practice happened when I was meditating about my son. I began psychotherapy after my son was born, and for the last 5 years I have been through a long and painful struggle in order to gain more access to him. I became aware while meditating that there was also a 5 year old boy in me that I needed contact with too. I spoke to that boy and asked him what I could do to help. He told me he had no-one to play with and that no-one cared for him so I held his hand and promised he would never be alone again. With this experience, I realised that I had a strong desire to save myself, in turn, by saving my son. My intention became clear after that, I knew what I had to do.

Only the moment you reject all help are you freed ~ Buddha


Filed under My Experiences On The Couch

13 responses to “Genuine Transformation

  1. Mindfulness I almost rejected because of its simplicity . How have I worked so hard in my training as a therapist only to find personal solace in something so obvious? !
    You can’t push a river and it seems that all the other stuff was important too. All the therapy and theories .
    I’m adding it to my skills base . Mindfulness that is . I do wonder how useful it will be because only when the student is ready will the teacher appear .
    Great to read of your process and experience in personal growth .
    Keep writing its a delight to read . x

    • I know what you mean Elaine, I find the trouble with some therapy is that issues can remain in the head, rather than letting them go and working them out by being in the moment. Glad you liked the post x

  2. Beautiful post Will. Yesterday I started reading The Compassionate Mind after realising how important my mindfulness practice is to me, something I am very present in much of the day. I like these convergences!

  3. Chrissie

    I’m glad it’s going so well Will. You sound alive and confident and resourceful.

  4. Some wonderful revelations in this posting, Will ~ a posting that seems refreshingly free of ego control. I sense a need in you to give to others without the need for any recompense ~ that is how your posting leaves me. And I also have a feel of your journeying & the progress/discoveries you feel to be making. Thank you so much for sharing x

  5. 1emeraldcity

    Beautiful, Wil. Another milestone in personal development. Congrads! Fly, you beautiful bird!

  6. Christy Blackburn

    Good morning, I have saved this post and read it a couple of dozen times. I am wondering how you are doing emotionally.

    • Morning Christy. Thanks for taking an interest in this particular post. My emotions come as unexpected waves, just as before, but I don’t get as drenched in their wake as much as I used to. Since I started regular practice I feel lighter and more connected to something larger than myself. Old grooves are wearing down and I am opening up to something fresh.

  7. Johnc94

    It is also possible that Zynga’s chosen advertising gdcfaccdbedk

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