About 10 years ago a friend of mine played me a tape of Eckhart Tolle. In his unique and eire voice, Eckhart spoke of being depressed and alone in his flat in London. One morning in desperation, he said to himself ‘Why do I keep doing this to myself.’ He then thought, well if I am doing this to myself, there must be two of me. This was a huge revelation for me at the time and this dual internal premise has stayed with me ever since.
The internal on-going commentary we stand victim to on a daily basis can be relentless and life consuming. It can be quite startling when it is unpacked and looked at to see how deadening and stagnant these thoughts can be. There is a voice that berates us, tells us that we are no good, and convinces us that something dreadful is about to happen. Replacing these thoughts with positive ones ‘Californian style’ was my first port of call, but for me, I realised this did not work in the long run. Simply hearing the thoughts, allowing them to drift by and not judging them, akin to meditation, seamed to be the way foreword.
Realising and accepting that there is a part of me that is battling with my true self, a part of me that keeps me locked up in open prison, and wounds me, is painful. The inner voice loves death, risk, sex and drama and like a wolf watching a group of campers from afar, he will never come close. There is no taming of this beast, it cannot ever change, only my perception of him can. Realising that this ego will always have a voice is hard to except but some voices are louder than others and perhaps one day I can turn mine down to a whisper.
I had been anxious and depressed for years and suddenly I was deeply at peace ~ Eckhart Tolle