Today is one of those days where I find myself leaning heavily on the phrase ‘This too shall pass’. In fact, I have relied on that phrase ever since my last therapy session 4 days ago. The clouds above seem real low. I guess what is difficult at times like this is bearing with the nothingness and the lack of meaning. I know my last therapy session was emotional. I had to sit up on the couch with my therapist in view, which I only do when I am struggling. The crazy thing is that I can’t remember what we touched on and discussed, or rather, I have probably suppressed it. I keep thinking about a child sulking but I am unaware of the sulks reason.
It is also one of those days where I have gone to call my therapist for reassurance and then decided against it. I feel that I need reflection. Someone to tell me that I am going through the ‘X’ phase which is because of ‘Z’. Do I pick myself up and do something and rise above the grim feelings, or let them be and embrace them fully so that real healing can take place. My worry is that prolonged depression can intensify and gather moss, I need a break from this dark limbo land. My head is awash with theory. Look after yourself I hear myself whisper.
This is sadly one of those times where no manual, no self help book and no positive quote has effect. Fragments of me are being blown around by the wind. I inhale one cigarette after another and exhale each fag with a deep sigh. I think about what I do have and try to be grateful. I think about my losses and try to have empathy for myself. I think about time and how a moment can seem like a lifetime and a lifetime can seem like a moment. Maybe this is a time not to think and a time to breathe. I think about whether to publish this post or not. However, if the premise of my site is about ‘experiences on the couch’ then this is one of those experiences that I am willing to share.
Every little thing counts in a crisis ~ Jawaharlal Nehru