Down Time

By Will

Today is one of those days where I find myself leaning heavily on the phrase ‘This too shall pass’. In fact, I have relied on that phrase ever since my last therapy session 4 days ago. The clouds above seem real low. I guess what is difficult at times like this is bearing with the nothingness and the lack of meaning. I know my last therapy session was emotional. I had to sit up on the couch with my therapist in view, which I only do when I am struggling. The crazy thing is that I can’t remember what we touched on and discussed, or rather, I have probably suppressed it. I keep thinking about a child sulking but I am unaware of the sulks reason.

It is also one of those days where I have gone to call my therapist for reassurance and then decided against it. I feel that I need reflection. Someone to tell me that I am going through the ‘X’ phase which is because of ‘Z’. Do I pick myself up and do something and rise above the grim feelings, or let them be and embrace them fully so that real healing can take place. My worry is that prolonged depression can intensify and gather moss, I need a break from this dark limbo land. My head is awash with theory. Look after yourself I hear myself whisper.

This is sadly one of those times where no manual, no self help book and no positive quote has effect. Fragments of me are being blown around by the wind. I inhale one cigarette after another and exhale each fag with a deep sigh. I think about what I do have and try to be grateful. I think about my losses and try to have empathy for myself. I think about time and how a moment can seem like a lifetime and a lifetime can seem like a moment. Maybe this is a time not to think and a  time to breathe. I think about whether to publish this post or not. However, if the premise of my site is about ‘experiences on the couch’ then this is one of those experiences that I am willing to share.

Every little thing counts in a crisis ~ Jawaharlal Nehru


Filed under My Experiences On The Couch

9 responses to “Down Time

  1. I so hate those bum days when you feel like that…it sucks. But I personally let it wash over me, I stay and ponder, because I think I need to…I need to ‘feel’. In my case NOT feeling just repressed everything for a later date. Chin up mate, you are not alone.

    • Thanks Louise, It is always a difficult situation. Are we elaborating the feelings unnecessarily and suffering for nothing or is this part of our growth.

  2. I have days like this, frequently. I tell myself I am responsible for my own happiness but don’t believe it. All that gets me through is to write that day off and nurture myself with the thought ” will try again tomorrow “. Thinking of you, thanks for sharing 🙂

  3. Ann Murgatroyd

    Will – this is a beautiful, deep share. I sit beside J at times like this and know that no words can help – just love and knowing that someone is there for you. I find keeping the everyday things ticking over until this time passes is a way to help. I hope you have such a helper. And these times always pass. Sending love – Mummurgie.

    • Yes I tend to do the everyday small things on these days especially cleaning and cleansing. Writing helps to pacify some of the heavier feelings and seems to release them somewhat. Thanks so much for your thoughts.

  4. Sending you empathic thoughts. Experiencing feelings can so painful and lonely.

    • Thanks Christine, I am used to anxiety and don’t mind that so much these days, but emptiness is a new one for me. I do not have these days often but when I do I always think of Stephen Fry and his periods of darkness which is attributed to chemicals and the brain. Interesting for me as when I wrote this I felt quite a bit better which makes me think more deeper aspects of the Psyche are involved other than chemistry.

  5. Emptiness and lack of meaning…yes. I know those. I know, too, that the chemical kick where you’re at is a roller coaster. Couple that with the psyche kick….

    I echo the above. My mantra there is usually something about tomorrow. Just do whatever I have to to get this day over. Some days, I’m able to use that towards motivation, cleansing, writing, yoga. More ciggs. Other days I’m not, just have to give myself a wallow day.

    I was terrified that my black dog depression might eat me alive if I had no coping skill. She hasn’t. (she? hmm). Prior to sober, there were days at a time where I was down for the count. Since day one in sobriety, I have managed to get up and get to a meeting, dress, eat. Which somehow means the symptoms are less.

    But has also sometimes meant the feelings are more.

    I have to believe that it’s our depths that make us stronger. I have to believe that our wounds don’t have to be wounds but can become redeeming qualities. I don’t have a formula for that yet. But if I give in to the idea that sometimes people are just broken, broken is broken…well.

    As always, I truly admire your honesty and courage. In your words, I know a man of rare sensitivity and power.

    Read Nick Flynn’s the Ticking is the Bomb? For some reason you’ve reminded me of him. Gorgeous writing. Willingness to go to the dark. And find a bastardized redemption.

    I hold you in thoughts.

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