This summer break from therapy feels different and a little like my long childhood summer holidays, kept by myself. Enhanced even more so by abiding in the countryside far away from the city and the rat race. Doing nothing is not easy and is tinged with a sense of guilt. I should be at the office (holding a belief that things fail without me) but the office is fine. I should be doing something constructive, but what and why? Before I left my therapist mentioned that I was in a transitional phase, that I was between places and that I should be careful and mindful of my inner drives. I took this warning seriously, but I wished that he would have said “you will be fine” or “enjoy your break” and it left me wide eyed and cautious.
I feel that I am armed with so much inner knowledge now and yet I feel that I am just the same and that I have not changed. My summer mantra is to be mindful, so whenever I sense the tirade of inner chatter and noise I bring myself back to the now. I keep thinking about moving to the country and a change of career, a new challenge involving people but both the answer and the drive allude me. If only I could meet a like minded soul and get married, that would sort everything out wouldn’t it? I sit here feeling so grateful that I am in good health and my business is going well so why worry. On my death bed I can’t imagine thinking I should have spent more time in the office.
I am not sure what all this means right now and my dreams are not shedding any light either, so I wonder off into the countryside again, camera in hand, waiting for something to happen.
At every crossroads on the path that leads to the future, tradition has placed 10,000 men to guard the past ~ Maurice Maeterlinck