Tag Archives: counselling

December 19, 2010 · 6:16 pm

Sexuality and Psychotherapy

By Will

During my first 5 years of psychotherapy in my 20’s I worked with an female therapist in her 60’s and I found it extremely uncomfortable articulating my sexual fantasies with her. I would mostly avoid the subject, but if we did go there, I would box up my fantasies and make them very generic, tame and watered down. For example, we never explored certain fetishes and their possible meanings for me individually. This was one of the reasons that convinced me that a male therapist would be vital second time around. However, I guess if I did reveal things I was truly ashamed of, the real fear would lie in being abandoned by ‘anybody’ whatever their gender.

I still find it uncomfortable discussing the real nitty gritty, I cringe and squirm and beat around the bush, but I do disclose eventually. Oscar Wilde once said “Sex is the refuge of the weak” and that rang true for me in a sense that I tended to gravitate towards sex, or thoughts about sex, when I wanted to avoid emotional pain, which was quite frequent sometimes. In as much as talking about my once hidden fantasies made me feel on edge I knew there must be something lurking underneath worth discovering. When we are uncomfortable we are extremely close to touching on a nerve, and sometimes if we can bear it, we need to step into these darker clouds.

What is extremely difficult is having solid memories about what actually happened to me when I was younger around sexuality and how these experiences developed and got transferred onto my relationships as an adolescent or as a man. While memories of this kind may not establish themselves, due to their elusive nature, feelings and sensations do. Our thoughts and associations around sexuality can hold some real insights into how we view ourselves. Our fantasies and turn on’s may seem strange even to us, but for me I noticed a pattern, in that the fantasies needed to be fuelled and made more elaborate over time which highlighted the fact that these fantasies were built layer by layer. Underneath these fantasies and roles lies an internal message of who we may be which is intrenched in power and dominance or submissive traits.

Sexuality poorly repressed unsettles some families; well repressed, it unsettles the whole world ~ Karl Kraus

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December 17, 2010 · 9:34 pm

Getting To Know The Internal Voices

internal voices

By Will

About 10 years ago a friend of mine played me a tape of Eckhart Tolle. In his unique and eire voice, Eckhart spoke of being depressed and alone in his flat in London. One morning in desperation, he said to himself ‘Why do I keep doing this to myself.’ He then thought, well if I am doing this to myself, there must be two of me. This was a huge revelation for me at the time and this dual internal premise has stayed with me ever since.

The internal on-going commentary we stand victim to on a daily basis can be relentless and life consuming. It can be quite startling when it is unpacked and looked at to see how deadening and stagnant these thoughts can be. There is a voice that berates us, tells us that we are no good, and convinces us that something dreadful is about to happen. Replacing these thoughts with positive ones ‘Californian style’ was my first port of call, but for me, I realised this did not work in the long run. Simply hearing the thoughts, allowing them to drift by and not judging them, akin to meditation, seamed to be the way foreword.

Realising and accepting that there is a part of me that is battling with my true self, a part of me that keeps me locked up in open prison, and wounds me, is painful. The inner voice loves death, risk, sex and drama and like a wolf watching a group of campers from afar, he will never come close. There is no taming of this beast, it cannot ever change, only my perception of him can. Realising that this ego will always have a voice is hard to except but some voices are louder than others and perhaps one day I can turn mine down to a whisper.

I had been anxious and depressed for years and suddenly I was deeply at peace ~ Eckhart Tolle

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December 17, 2010 · 6:10 pm

Trust

By Will

There are endless stages during analysis. Like floating in the sea you are continually tossed around. Sometimes forwards, sometimes backwards and sometimes downwards. Constant movement and chaos without an absolute end result to cling to. It takes courage and perseverance to continually lay out your often out of date thought patterns and beliefs.  I often liken it to peeling back the skin from an onion. Bit by bit, layer by layer, the premise being to get down to the inner core. Some stages are painful while others are liberating and some moments seem to change perceptions for good. Some sessions can make you feel like an unprotected and vulnerable child and the following session had me feeling that way.

With my head in my hands sitting up on the couch I was trembling, anxious, emotional and distraught. I wanted to ask my therapist something. It felt so child like to ask and I imagined that my question would not receive the answer I needed to hear. My therapist never gave me advice, it was up to me to work things out by myself, and to ask this would feel like a school boy error. I felt like I was falling into pieces, my emotion was overwhelming and finally after what seemed like 30 mins of deliberating on my question, it just came out. ‘Am I going to be alright?’

The silence seemed to last forever when my therapist finally said ‘I don’t know’. His answer did not dry my tears, nor did it stop the deep pain I was experiencing but I knew that he was telling me his truth. How could he possibly know I was going to be 100% alright. Like a child bearing pain I wanted to hear ‘of course you are’ or ‘this is just part of the process.’ What I was left with was an unfamiliar feeling of realness, that I was connected to something truthful and right. That moment is when I fully trusted my therapist and the first moment I truly trusted anybody.

We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy ~ W Anderson

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December 17, 2010 · 4:18 pm

Intimacy – Moments On The Couch

By Will

There are crucial moments during therapy that somehow transform the relationship between the patient and the analyst. For me, this relational aspect of therapy is the most important factor in helping the patient familiarise themselves with the lighter and darker aspects of their psyche. Uncovering your true nature is a never ending long drawn out process but sometimes the fast forward button is engaged and we both seem to leap forward. These moments are seldom planned and just seem to happen naturally in their own time and space.

I was talking away on the couch, just like any other session, when my therapist interrupted me politely and told me that he needed to use the bathroom. He apologised and told me that in 30 years as a therapist he had never done so before and how it was very unorthodox of him. Left on my own in the room for the first time I began to project. Am I literally ‘dumping’ all my problems on him? Gosh, I feel honoured that he felt comfortable enough to leave the room to use the bathroom! Is he using the toilet as an excuse to simply get away from me?

When he re-entered the room again we began to discuss my previous projections and we laughed and joked together about them. It did not pain me to laugh at myself and where my mind liked to run. I felt special, and joined in union with my talking buddy. We had reached a new level of closeness and I was deeply touched by this event.

Sometimes you can walk into therapy with a bunch of issues that you want to discuss, and then, something happens during the session, and words and theories are left behind. They vanish completely, and in the silent space, a new dawn is created and hope shines forth like a diamond.

We need others. We need others to love and we need to be loved by them. There is no doubt that without it, we too, like the infant left alone, would cease to grow, cease to develop, choose madness and even death ~ Leo Buscaglia

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