The clock is seen by two and watched intensely by one; fearing those dirty words approaching, “time is up”.
I hear the little boy inside say “I want to stay with you”, but my lips are muted by adulthood.
The practised joker in me plans to fake a fall, anything to stay with the connection.
“You can’t do that” the sensible one claims, “he will think I am mad”.
The punisher steps in “Well, you are mad” and my eyes look up and catch a smile from my master.
“What happened there Will”? he says; “I don’t know” I reply, and I turn again to gaze at the clock.
It’s 1pm, and all I have left is the seconds I see winding away.
“Say it”! demands one voice, “there isn’t time” is cried in defense.
Words pour out without prompt from either side, “I want to stay with you”.
One of the things that is hard to accept during therapy is the realisation that the childhood, we once thought of as perfect, was not. I love my parents very much, but that does not mean that they were perfect parents, as there is no such thing. Externally I was dressed well, our frequent family outings were exiting and camping holidays were spontaneous and playful. Arguments were a rare occurrence in our home, there was little alcohol present, and my parents did as much as they could to nurture us all. Part of the difficulty in accepting our not so perfect childhood’s is because it’s not the ‘right thing’ to blame your parents. This conditioning initiated as a survival mechanism. We had to believe our parents were perfect or good enough otherwise with nobody to look after us, we would die.
As a child, I had Separation Anxiety Disorder, I was vehemently opposed to separating from my Mother, my primary caregiver or attachment figure. I was convinced that something bad would happen to her during the time that we were separated. As a child, I had convolutions or fits, which I believe, were caused by literally overheating or childhood panic attacks. Often in therapy we try to find the ‘one thing’ from our past that caused our problems. My view is that it is many things ranging from inheritance, neurological pathways and genetics but most of all very early nurturing. Not all children are the same but if we are soothed and nurtured in the areas that, we need to be, we can slowly internalise this for ourselves.
Many of us find it impossible to remember specific periods in childhood where our caregivers were unable to nurture us in the way we needed to be. Therefore, all we are left with, is our current relationships we have with others, which can hold some golden keys into becoming fully human. We need to fully work through these relationships and bear in mind our parents were the first people we loved deeply. Our first loves often leave us with the wounds that we carry with us for the rest of our lives and at the core of all intimacy issues is the fear of loss. Problems arise when we are either too close or too distant from our parents. Im my case it was the former. As I was so engulfed I found it hard to find my own psychological space and I developed a controlling fear of loosing myself.
Childhood is a promise that is never kept ~ Ken Hill