Category Archives: My Experiences On The Couch

My Experiences On The Couch

July 23, 2011 · 12:01 pm

Leaving Therapy

By Will

I will always remember these words from my first therapist “You begin to live when you leave therapy.” I like to think that you can also live when you are in analysis as well, but if you are like me, you may carry your therapist around in your pocket some of the time. So how does that enable you to be free? Having this little thinking and reflecting ‘action man’ with you at all times can be both comforting and irritating. If you have experienced some extremely emotional situations with your therapist, and you have felt comforted by him, you may tend to elevate your analyst to a God like status as they become the Master, the Knower or the Buddha. This can put you in a juxtaposition and in day to day situations you may be influenced by your therapist, and you may judge many of your actions and thoughts with him in mind.

The thought of leaving therapy can be daunting. What will happen to me when I leave? Will I be able to cope? Is our work really finished or is my ego forcing me to end the relationship? Is my therapist trapping me? You may be reluctant to leave therapy as you do not want to hurt your therapists feelings. These are vital issues that require working through and together you both may reach a better understanding. It is almost impossible for both Therapist and Patient to collectively feel that therapy is over simultaneously, so one person as in all relationships, may feel at a loss. When we leave therapy knowing we have not addressed all our problems we may be mindful that we will always have problems and issues to solve as this is part of being human. We can cling to all sorts of illusions and justifications in regards to ending the theraputic relationship but I guess the obvious reason for leaving therapy is that you want to.

We may sometimes loose sight of the fact that therapy is self-centered and your therapy is about what is good for you. After all, your therapist has worked on themselves and should be able to digest the loss and work through it alone or with supervision.

“Intimate knowledge creates vulnerability. Where intimate knowledge is asymmetrical, vulnerability is also. Whoever is known most about is usually the vulnerable one, for multiple reasons. In psychotherapy, this vulnerable one is the client.”

*Quote by ~ http://sleightmind.wordpress.com

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July 16, 2011 · 9:24 am

Beyond Words

By Will

Silence is golden in the therapy chair that I have now moved back to. Far beyond the realms of any text book spouting analysis and theory, we sit in silence, engulfed by the nothingness of being. If pins did drop you would certainly be able to hear them dropping like fine rain in this open space. How can I explain how many times lately I have felt the ordinary things so deeply and shed tears “the silent language of grief.” How can I explain the moments of mindfulness having stared at a daisy like I have never seen one before, in awe of it’s transient beauty, the back of the flower just as beautiful as the front. The little moments, the little things, are not little. They are everything.

This is not therapy, this is far more than that word. It is a soulful fire and water life, shared with another human being, cloaked in 21st century attire. It is a meeting of tragedy, realisation, joyfulness and nothingness, and just like the weather, it is everything and nothing at the same time. Whatever it is, my physical body turns up to it twice a week, and often walks out from it swaying with dizziness. My Dad, my Son and my best friend are all losses and painful gains at the same time. The paradox and tragedy of death and life so much alive under the same fine umbrella that we collectively hold.

Things are not what they appear to be: nor are they otherwise ~ Surangama Sutra

Inspired by: Karin L Burke.

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June 25, 2011 · 9:07 am

The Guessing Game

By Will

Orthodox confession is the only relationship that I can think of that mirrors therapy in as much as we have no concrete evidence regarding our analysts or our priests personal life. Are they married, are they straight, do they have children? Even your thoughts about their life are projections from the self waiting to be interpreted. It is both peculiar and familiar that after 3 years I still, very occasionally, ask a direct question. The questions I ask are hinged with sarcasm and knowing as I may say “Well I have worked out that you are straight by now.” These feeble attempts always bring a wry smile to my therapists face and the enjoyment for me is studying my analyst and watching him trying to hide any evidence. It feels very child like but I think he enjoys it just as much as I do. It’s as though we both secretly and humbly get the gig.

So all we are left with is our own projections regarding our therapists life. This in itself is so crucial and the lesson can be applied to so many relational situations we encounter every day. The example that leaps out at me is “I can’t believe he/she has done that”. “I” being full of  preconceived notions of how things should be done. “Can’t believe” My beliefs are fixed and different from yours. Taken to an extreme we can be continuously surprised and angry at how others behave, think or even feel.

When this lesson has been understood we can then apply this concept to the different parts of our own psyche which may enable us to be more kind to ourselves. “I can understand why that part of me would feel threatened by this or that situation” or “I am not surprised I have kicked myself in over this”. This kind of empathy shown to oneself can be simply put as learning to laugh at yourself but I think that it is more complex than that. It’s being able to laugh, cry or be anxious at yourself. The important thing is that you are there for yourself.

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense ~ Buddha

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June 4, 2011 · 9:59 am

Time is Up

By Will

The clock is seen by two and watched intensely by one; fearing those dirty words approaching, “time is up”.

I hear the little boy inside say “I want to stay with you”, but my lips are muted by adulthood.

The practised joker in me plans to fake a fall, anything to stay with the connection.

“You can’t do that” the sensible one claims, “he will think I am mad”.

The punisher steps in “Well, you are mad” and my eyes look up and catch a smile from my master.

“What happened there Will”? he says; “I don’t know” I reply, and I turn again to gaze at the clock.

It’s 1pm, and all I have left is the seconds I see winding away.

“Say it”! demands one voice, “there isn’t time” is cried in defense.

Words pour out without prompt from either side, “I want to stay with you”.

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May 24, 2011 · 4:51 pm

The Depth of Wounds Vary

By Will

“I think his symptoms are likely to be stress related. He has no typical symptoms of colon cancer, though of course, colon cancer often has no typical symptoms.”

As I sit and read this letter, from a digestive specialist to my doctor, I am once again struck by the severity of the power of thought and matters of the heart. Was my body able to produce the same symptoms as my Father who died from this cancer nearly 2 years ago. Can stress really do that?

Unresolved issues bubble underneath unnoticed, often for decades like a volcano, until one day when they finally erupt. What also struck me is the term “typical symptoms” as with the mind and the body we are all so different. According to Freud’s early theory, “painful memories and feelings were repressed by the unconscious and found expression in patients physical symptoms.” Although I have suffered panic attacks and depression in the past, my current physical symptoms seem more physical than mental. These intense emotions and feelings that were repressed may have something to do with my movement around my analysts room, from one ‘place’ or ‘space,’ to another. It is as if I am unable to stay in one place or rather unable to stay with the pain and the wounds for too long so I have to move around.

My therapist was speaking today about Masud Khan who had  fifteen-years of analysis with Winnicott and mentioned the phrase “A hard nut to crack” and that “All nuts can be cracked eventually” and I immediately thought that he was refering to me and our 3 1/2 years of analysis. Whether this was actually intentional or a Freudian slip or even transference from my therapists own analysis, it did not matter. I knew my own interpretation very well which is a belief that I should have worked things out by now, that I should be sorted and more aware of my unconscious drives and desires. It, whatever that is, takes as long as it takes.

Robert S. Boynton wrote “Is the aim of psychoanalysis to “cure” or merely to comfort? Should analysts maintain a clinical, professional distance and respect the “boundaries” between themselves and their patients (as classical analysis insists upon)? Or should they strive for a so-called “real relationship,” eroding the boundaries in order to heal the patient?” I liken this to the earlier phrase “typical symptoms” as I believe that in Psychotherapy there aren’t any, it depends on a multitude of complex factors but mainly on what suits the patient and therapist. For me, the relationship is paramount, for others a more clinical relationship may be what is required. I am unsure if I will ever be “cured” but I am sure of my need for some more of that beautiful connectedness and truthfulness that penetrates deep inside, as these wounds are deeper than I thought.

My sense of identity broke down and was replaced by something that is very hard to put into words ~ Eckhart Tolle

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March 16, 2011 · 12:07 pm

Musical Chairs

By Will

My current course of therapy began with my therapist and I sitting facing one another. Man to man discussions involving facial expression, eye contact and movement. After a year like this I finally plucked up courage and we began to discuss the couch, which sat far away in another corner of the room. I wondered who lay on there, I wondered what would happen if I lay on there. The couch was discussed for quite sometime and eventually it seemed to take on gargantic and magical proportions. The day came when out of the blue I stood up from my chair and lay myself down. The resistance was startling. I could not see my therapist anymore and I felt isolated, watched and extremely uncomfortable. After a few weeks, lying on the couch became second nature, and I could not imagine sitting back on the chair again. Our therapy changed at that point and I was no longer as conscious of what I said or how I said it. Unfettered speech flowed and I became surprised how open I was without eye contact.

For two years our seating arrangements remained like this, until recently, when I began to feel a compulsion to sit on the floor. It felt a little crazy but I had to bring this up and for a few weeks we would discuss the possible meanings of my desire to get down on the floor. Again, one day out of the blue, I made the leap and there I was sitting cross legged in front of my therapist on the floor. This only lasted a few sessions, as it was quite uncomfortable. The next time I entered the room I took another seat next to the desk opposite my therapist. We looked at each other and we both beamed naively. Neither of us knew what was going on with all this movement, but it just seemed right.

Once again our relationship changed. We started to laugh more together and we stayed away from theory and debate. We talked about politics and art and a whole rainbow of things, and although our professional relationship remained, a new friendship seemed to begin to flourish. I started to feel a new sense of equality with him and for the first time we talked about the possibility of separation and what that meant. Later on we realised that my movement around the room mirrored the internal movements and shifts that were taking place within me. Each view point around the room gave me an alternative perspective, a new way of seeing things. It also highlighted the need to escape the pain of uncomfortable feelings and emotions. Rather than staying with these feelings I needed to move away and escape from them like a fight or flight reaction.

Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with in vain ~ Carl G. Jung

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February 14, 2011 · 12:18 pm

Down Time

By Will

Today is one of those days where I find myself leaning heavily on the phrase ‘This too shall pass’. In fact, I have relied on that phrase ever since my last therapy session 4 days ago. The clouds above seem real low. I guess what is difficult at times like this is bearing with the nothingness and the lack of meaning. I know my last therapy session was emotional. I had to sit up on the couch with my therapist in view, which I only do when I am struggling. The crazy thing is that I can’t remember what we touched on and discussed, or rather, I have probably suppressed it. I keep thinking about a child sulking but I am unaware of the sulks reason.

It is also one of those days where I have gone to call my therapist for reassurance and then decided against it. I feel that I need reflection. Someone to tell me that I am going through the ‘X’ phase which is because of ‘Z’. Do I pick myself up and do something and rise above the grim feelings, or let them be and embrace them fully so that real healing can take place. My worry is that prolonged depression can intensify and gather moss, I need a break from this dark limbo land. My head is awash with theory. Look after yourself I hear myself whisper.

This is sadly one of those times where no manual, no self help book and no positive quote has effect. Fragments of me are being blown around by the wind. I inhale one cigarette after another and exhale each fag with a deep sigh. I think about what I do have and try to be grateful. I think about my losses and try to have empathy for myself. I think about time and how a moment can seem like a lifetime and a lifetime can seem like a moment. Maybe this is a time not to think and a  time to breathe. I think about whether to publish this post or not. However, if the premise of my site is about ‘experiences on the couch’ then this is one of those experiences that I am willing to share.

Every little thing counts in a crisis ~ Jawaharlal Nehru

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January 28, 2011 · 12:07 pm

Dream Journal

dream

By Will

I was going through my dream journal and decided to share my first ever dream, which happened three years ago, when I began therapy for the second time. The dream was very short, but massively vivid and powerful; The dream took place after therapy one night.

I suddenly found myself in the bath with my analyst. At first, we smiled at each other in a surprised and innocent way. Straight after this exchange my analyst reached down below and started to touch me under the water. I refused the advances and my analyst began to paddy, thumping his hands and feet ferociously on the floor like a child. It was extremely disturbing and vivid and I remember thinking that I was more mature than him.

I knew from having therapy before that the dream had to be ‘aired and shared’ and I found myself laughing as I recounted the dream during our next session. We talked about the dream for most of the session and together we unpacked some possible meanings and realisations.

We discussed the meaning of the bath itself, which may be interpreted as a place where one literally washed oneself clean internally, shedding old ideas, opinions and negative patterns. We were in a tight place together where we could possibly remain stuck for some time. The initial smile we shared could be our true selves meeting for the first time. We discussed going to new places that are below the surface. Places we shouldn’t go. Down below; Should not be touched down there. Touching the darker shadow self would cause a huge paddy, huge resistance and the new beginnings of re-living a battle of previously held opinions and beliefs. Who knows more than who has been in control for so long. Of course ‘I’ am more mature.

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January 26, 2011 · 5:53 pm

Leaving Therapy Sideways

By Will

The bravest thing I have ever done is to withdraw many of my projections. Through analysis, I have done this gradually which leaves me conscious of a pretty thick intensified shadow. I have saddled myself with new conflicts, once hidden, but I do believe that this is my only chance to live fully. Once you have had a glimpse deep inside you can never return to innocence. You could say that I have now become a serious problem for myself which is why I sometimes leave therapy sideways, I almost fall out of it onto the pavement. I no longer have such fixed views on things; he is wrong, or things should be done this way or that. Anything that happens in this world lives within me and it is my responsibility to this world and humankind to address myself fully. You think too much, is something I hear quite often or you’re too deep.

I am trying to find a way so my true self can live with this shadow, moment to moment, however frightening the experience. I feel that I am in the middle of myself listening out to my two sides and it is exhausting. Breathing into the confusion and paradox helps, and I strongly believe, although the two sides of me will never fundamentally change, that the intensity will eventually melt down into a more positive realisation and peaceful surrender to what is.

I am unable to do all of this while carrying on with more social scenarios as I cannot fully laugh knowing what is behind my laughter. I seek fellow travellers and comrades with a vengeance, usually online, so that wounds feel like they are shared. There is one part of me that I am reticent to change and that is my business head. I don’t know why I am able to run my company well and deal with problems as they arise, but for now, I need to hold onto that. Its quite bizarre listening to people nowadays. I can hear their darker self being complimentary to me, whilst having an unconscious dig, to enhance their own sense of self or visa versa. Transparency rings in my ears. Is this my paranoia or my truth? I don’t know, but I march on.

By a divine paradox, wherever there is one slave there are two ~ Edwin Markham

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January 20, 2011 · 5:37 pm

Perfect Childhood

Perfect Childhood

By Will

One of the things that is hard to accept during therapy is the realisation that the childhood, we once thought of as perfect, was not. I love my parents very much, but that does not mean that they were perfect parents, as there is no such thing. Externally I was dressed well, our frequent family outings were exiting and camping holidays were spontaneous and playful. Arguments were a rare occurrence  in our home, there was little alcohol present, and my parents did as much as they could to nurture us all. Part of the difficulty in accepting our not so perfect childhood’s is because it’s not the ‘right thing’ to blame your parents. This conditioning initiated as a survival mechanism. We had to believe our parents were perfect or good enough otherwise with nobody to look after us, we would die.

As a child, I had Separation Anxiety Disorder, I was vehemently opposed to separating from my Mother, my primary caregiver or attachment figure. I was convinced that something bad would happen to her during the time that we were separated. As a child, I had convolutions or fits, which I believe, were caused by literally overheating or childhood panic attacks. Often in therapy we try to find the ‘one thing’ from our past that caused our problems. My view is that it is many things ranging from inheritance, neurological pathways and genetics but most of all very early nurturing. Not all children are the same but if we are soothed and nurtured in the areas that, we need to be, we can slowly internalise this for ourselves.

Many of us find it impossible to remember specific periods in childhood where our caregivers were unable to nurture us in the way we needed to be. Therefore, all we are left with, is our current relationships we have with others, which can hold some golden keys into becoming fully human. We need to fully work through these relationships and bear in mind our parents were the first people we loved deeply. Our first loves often leave us with the wounds that we carry with us for the rest of our lives and at the core of all intimacy issues is the fear of loss. Problems arise when we are either too close or too distant from our parents. Im my case it was the former. As I was so engulfed I found it hard to find my own psychological space and I developed a controlling fear of loosing myself.

Childhood is a promise that is never kept ~ Ken Hill

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